Trust like love, is thrown in the proverbial air and given flight by the cynical lover and mate that wants you or others to “Prove” something to them, that they themselves have no concrete construct on what “trust” actually is and defined.
Trust is something we all require but our individual definition is vague, at best. I attempt to provide insight from a relationship standpoint.
Sure during a relationship Trust is important, but what about before, the relationship? What are you bringing to the table? What kind of trust are you looking for and is your definition of trust based on the “Distrust” you experienced.
You have to assess who you are what baggage, yea I said it “BAGGAGE” you are bringing to the table.
He or She lied to you, during a long relationship or marriage. You didn’t see it coming so you have assured yourself, it will never happen again.
So you spend your entire dating experiences on being a “trigger hunter”
AH HA!!!! I knew it, your phone is on silent, my husband did that…I can’t trust raggedy behind.
Before we get to the establishment of trust “in” the relationship, how about looking at yourself and the type of trust you require, “Before” the relationship begins. Just like “Love languages” Trust has a language too.
Who are you??
Is your trust language built on the foundation of Experience?
“Oh! I know what is going on, I have seen this before.. you are lying!!!!!“
Is your Trust level built within the relationship, and the identity of self.?
“You know me! , you know who I am and what I am capable of , you know I would never do that!”.
(careful, this one you are already invested with your partner and the thought is that you should know your partner, but if you haven’t communicated this, to your partner.. this is the one that gets all the arguments)
Who has not heard this one: YOU KNOW ME!!!!!
Is your trust level built on actions. Or are their rules trust that you put together that can keep you from being “Got” again (be careful, this can leave you real lonely)
“I know one thing, if he does XYZ, then I am outta here,thats a deal breaker “
After you know who you are, then as you build a realationship. you will see truth and lies… and there will be a level of understanding.
Truth, I am not just talking about your partner cheating on you, I am talking about your partner coming to you and trusts that you through what you have built can withstand a harsh, needed, unbelievable, or hurtful truth.
I remember, being in a brief dating construct. Actually we texted more often than we saw each other, but because I have a soapbox of truth, I thought surely “he knowsssss me..right”. I am going to be just as honest as always, and he will know that I am sooooo great and honest and blah blah.. Welll… of course I explained my truth, and he called me not only a liar, but thinks I am a pervibal nut bag and subsequently dipped, gone, vamoose, disappeared and said “Make better choices” I realized at that point that my truth is not for everyone, and I should have built trust first, but eagerly I shared not knowing it would be hurtful end. Truth does hurt and can be a hard pill to swallow and not everyone is built for what you have. I also realized that his venmounous attitude spoke volumes of his own pain, and insecurities that there was no room for what he deemed lies and actions.
Cookie Cutter would be so nice, to have the ablity to cut and fashion that person so they act, say, and do all that you want.
I digress… (still mad about that one)
Anywho, if you know your trust, you have assessed what you deem a trust worthy relationship to be, then if your partner said elephants came out the sky and ate their hair on Friday, then guess what???? that’s what the hell happened.!!!!
Trust and Truth, so whats up with Lies?!!!!
I put Lies in a couple of categories when you are beginning a relationship. There are the Beginning and Middle Lies.
Beginning Relationship Lies:
Examples: I am not seeing anybody, I own my own business, I got this much money, I am single, I Love dogs. ( I threw that one in there) These I call the “Get ’em lies” You want to be with that person and you know “Truth” is not an option…. you tell yourself ” I will tell them the truth later, if we stay together long enough” But what happens….? You stay with the person long enough that you can’t tell them the truth, you are in too deep.
“I can’t tell her I’m broke, she gonna leave.” “I can’t tell her I got a girlfriend” I didn’t know I would stay with her/him this long,.. I can’t tell her now… riiiight? “I’ll just see how the chips fall.” “I hate dogs… she will leave cuz she love that dog”
I know this one is hard, but this is in trust. If you cannot be you then why try. I don’t want to forever walk around with a mask of lies so someone would stay with me. You gonna get lazy and forget to the mask on.. then what. If that trust is not built then your truth and lies are blurred, nothing you can do. Trust me I know this for a fact!!!!
Middle Relationship Lies:
There is so much with the lies in the middle of a relationship. There are Lies because you wanna go, lies because you wanna stay, lies because you made a mistake, Lies to protect, We can talk about this all day, but at the end of the day there is root to everything, The context of a lie, is in the process of Trust and Truth. Establishment of Trust, and an unconditional truth, the Lie is reasoned, or would there ever really be a LIE??
Meaning, if I established my trust we understand each other, and we lock arms in truth, WHYYYY LIE!!!.. This is a debatable question, this is a debatable issue and there are debateable situations. But please if you remember nothing else, remember that YOU are in Control here, know you, love you and be with someone who gives you what you give to them.
Relationships are storms, it brews and swells all the time, you must ride the waves, cut through the bullshit, and Live….the strength of realtionship is not built on how long you were together, its what you faced and weather during the time